The Eternal Espionoptimist — superhero of secretly searching souls — recently escaped enemy headquarters with this top-secret document which reveals dastardly efforts to blacken the hearts and stymie the passions of the good people of our world.
From: The Director of the Shadowverse
To: The Demons of Disorderly Discordant Despair Department
Re: Quarterly Earnings Report
Good work, all! Fear and hopelessness are again on the rise this quarter. Stockholders are thrilled. Special mention goes to the “Reality Bites” subcommittee which presented the classic trilogy of Cold Hard Truth, Common Sense and Security In Your Old Age to truly stirring effect with their new program, “Settle For Less… And Be Grateful.” Special thanks to the Guilt Guild, which provided our pre-meeting dessert – a baker’s dozen of really exciting refurbished excuses peppered with indecisiveness and frosted with avoidance.
Don’t forget, if you haven’t had the chance yet, check out this week’s de-inspirational training video: The Devil, The Donut & The DVR Made Me Do It. That wacky team down in Self-Sabotage For Dummies really outdid themselves this time. Pick up a copy for everyone on your list.
While some self-helpists believe the Universe has their best interests are heart, we all know that the Universe actually finds chaos, entropy and a variety of mold spores every bit as enchanting as creativity and puppies. We here in Universal Accounting — the Shadowverse — are delighted to continue to offer humanity the opportunity to make the same mistake over and over again. Until they don’t. So let’s stay on task, keep up the good work, and give ourselves a big pat on the back (just watch out for those oversized bat wings)!
There is only one distressingly bright spot in this otherwise satisfying field of gray ennui: Subject W.
Despite our seeding her vicinity with pointless tasks and time sucks with event horizons that even Gene Roddenberry couldn’t plot his way out of, Subject W continued on with her self-imposed deadline last month. This is troubling, of course, especially considering she used only a computer keyboard and an egg timer. To counteract her low-tech terrorism, we’ve subcontracted with network television to roll out some telethon reruns of peculiarly compelling 1980s sitcoms which we think could put a dent in her output. But if not, we need to prepare our most powerful weapon yet…
Unfortunately, the Eternal Espionoptimist — unable to see past his rose-colored glasses — did not notice there was a second page to the memo. So we are uncertain what the most powerful weapon against Subject W’s productivity might be. We can only stay on guard, and carry on.