To: Lynn Viehl
Subject: Darkyn Shopping List
From Richard Tremayne by the Grace of God High Lord of the Darkyn, Chosen Ruler of the Realms, Territories and Jardins, Defender of Truth and Eternity, to Our highly annoying and damnably persistent mortal ally Lynn Viehl, greetings.
We have learned that you have chosen to entertain the masses with new tales of our personal lives, and once more risk exposing our existence to the mortal world. While we should feel extremely displeased with you, we are in a mood to be generous. As long as your readers continue to believe these “Darkyn novels” to be fictional we shall not trouble ourselves to hunt you down and persuade you to desist.
Since you are thus determined to revisit our dark world for your own profit, we would have you employ a portion of your earnings to obtain certain items for which we have pressing need. Following is our first list of these products which, if they do not presently exist, should be invented immediately:
Copper Detector: It is the only substance on Earth lethal to our kind, yet you mortals use copper in damn near everything: coins, autos, laptops, telephones, door handles – do you know how often we have burned ourselves simply changing the batteries on a TV remote? A small proximity alarm device we might clip to our scabbards would prevent future unwanted injuries.
Crystal Dark: You mortals have some ten thousand flavoring mixes to add to bottled water; we Kyn simply want the same variety to add to the only beverage we may consume.
Fang Block: Our warriors have complained loudly about the inconvenience they suffer when a nubile young female they mean to seduce suddenly draws back in horror and points a trembling finger at the razor-sharp canines protruding from their mouth. Some sort of fitted covering that the men could pass off as a whitening strip would probably work best.
Insta-Tan: We understand that the pallid look has become utterly passé, so we request for our lords and ladies a spray-on product that can tint their immortal flesh a temporary golden brown (but will not leave unsightly streaks on their god-like countenances or turn their medieval battle scars orange.)
Irreversible Mortgage: You have neglected to note that all banking institutions close long before the Kyn rise to walk the night. Walking about through the night is all my many suzerain and their warriors shall be doing in the future if they can’t obtain the proper credit to purchase residences and property of their own. Consider as an incentive the fact that the Darkyn are the only beings on earth who may now live long enough to actually pay off these mortgages. No adjustable rates, please.
Multi-Use Personal Groomer: As you are aware our hair and nails grow spontaneously to annoying lengths, which presents no difficulty when we are at the stronghold and can summon a housewench to give us a trim (for my own needs I personally employ ten barbers.) While on extended journeys away from the jardin, however, waking up with four yards of new hair and nails that could poke out an eye on the next block is somewhat more challenging to explain. This device should be small, powerful and simple to operate. Please remember to coat the edges of the blades with copper or we shall destroy the device the first time we use it.
Photo Stop: One simply cannot escape the endless barrage of smartphones and point-and-shoots being wielded by mortals, and we are quite weary of seeing the immortal visages of our kind show up on Flickr vacation photostreams. Please develop a program that will allow us to instantly delete any unauthorized Kyn image on the web and deliver a massive electrical charge to the originating device or the nosy mortal who posted it.
Scent Masker: While we appreciate the many benefits provided by l’attrait, the pheremonal fragrance exuded by our eternal bodies, the effects on mortals in crowded spaces can result in our being mobbed by hundreds of inadvertently adoring love slaves. Please make this neutralizer available in containers sized appropriately for pocket, vehicle and stronghold use.
Scotchguard for Armani: Have you even the slightest idea as to how impossible it is to get bloodstains out of a designer silk jacket? I thought not.
Zealot Anger Management and Immortal Tolerance Online Courses: It is true that the Brethren are homicidal fanatics who for the last seven centuries have been hunting, torturing and stealing DNA from our kind, but we also understand that no mortal is perfect. Please provide us with a copy of all the e-mail and ISP addresses of those who enroll in these much-needed courses so we can stop in to offer our personal support.
We trust you will attend to this at once, Lynn, else you can be sure you will hear again from us in a much more personal and painful fashion.
Dictated at Ì Àrd this first day of March in the nine hundred forty-sixth year of our reign.
P.S. Éliane sends her love, and asks if you were able to locate your grandmother’s recipe for brazo de Gitano, which she wishes to serve to the next mortals who visit the island. I confess, I also find myself quite interested in the makings of this dessert – must one chop off the arm of an authentic gypsy to properly prepare it, or will an upper limb from any mortal suffice?
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Dear readers, now it’s YOUR turn to help out the poor vampires. Come up with a useful product for vampire-kind and post your comment for a chance to win Provence flower-themed goodies plus a signed copy of NIGHTBORN.
Included in the giveaway:
A signed copy of NIGHTBORN
A book tote (hand quilted and beaded by me)
A decorative bird pillow with a real lavender sachet (also hand made by me)
A tube of lavender incense
A bookmark with a seed-embedded component to plant and grow into flowers
(Winner will be drawn Sunday at midnight Eastern time. Contest open worldwide!)